BigDog, so why the long face?
Honestly? Because I went to the cemetary today and stood looking at my father's grave in the cold rain. He's been gone about 14 months, died in my house of an inoperable brain tumor. I sat and held his hand for the last 36 hours of his life as his body struggled to survive. It was the saddest more horriffic thing I have ever seen, the way we cling to life so desperately, the body struggles vailiantly to survive, to repair itself, but in the end it loses, it always loses, and I saw something in his eyes I had never ever seen before, fear. He was a combat vet, and he used to love to say, no atheists in the foxhole, I wonder if I do fully accept disbelief, if when my time comes I'll stick to it.
I miss him, I used to take comfort from hoping he was in a better place and that maybe he was sort of watching over me, but now I am beginning to think that is all bunk, when he closed his eyes that last time and drew his last breath, that was it, nothing, no more. Everything he knew, every memory he had gone when the neurons stopped firing. I was thinking of my children, they are going to watch me go someday and the whole cycle of it, I watch them come into being and they watch me exit just brought me down.
So that's where all of this is coming from, if there isn't anything else, if he is nothing but dust I'm saddened by that. Its fairly easy for me at a healthy 41 to pump myself up and think yes, life is good, I've got lots of years hopefully, and I try to enjoy every mintue, but I only have so many minutes, and, well, they just aren't enough.